Thursday, August 14, 2008

Relationships 101 Refresher Course for Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer break up

Whoopsie. We warned Jen not to push too hard. Look at the mess they've made. Time to bring in the vampires. Sure hope she can get her money back on all the place cards and party favors.

Because it's over, folks. Finis. Au revoir. Move along. T'ain't noth'n mo' to see. And no rubber-necking neither.

Not like anyone couldn't see this one coming a mile away.

Love and politics generally don't mix, but this is one time gentle genuflecting could have made a significant difference. Clearly, Jen and John started off very hot and heavy, steamy one might say. For a while, it looked like Aniston might have finally hooked her big fish and started reeling him in.

One minute they looked so cute together, then snap. They're done.

What happened?

Hey, I'm no insider, but I've seen this play before. So many times in fact, I could recite it in my sleep. Boy goes ga-ga. Boy pursues girl. Girl not sure. Girl plays hard to get. Boy plays harder. Boy woos girl. Girl falls in deep. Voila. There they are. Just the two of them. Both in deep. Both feeling the love. Both making the connection. Why would boy pull out?

I have my theories.

Some men are natural players. They're simply not commitment material. Oh, they may come around some day, like when they look in the mirror and see something smelly and wrinkly staring back. That's when they start thinking about family and legacy, and who's going to take care of them when they're sick and tasting like grandpa. But until then, it's all hands on deck. Fast and loose. Strike while the iron is hot. They tomcat around because they can, because they're personable and attractive. They're born lady killers. Inside, these men are trouble. Toy with them if you will, ladies, but don't think about getting a ring. Just whisper, "where is this going" and they're flying out the door. This type of man is fabulous arm candy, an ego booster, and a great escape into guilty pleasures, but not much more.


Some men need a certain kind of woman. They may not be exactly sure who that woman is, like a know it when they see it type of thing, but at least they have good intentions. These are the kind of men who need to lose a woman to know what they're missing. I hate to give this secret away because the truth is I could write a book and probably make a million dollars, but what the hey. Who has time to write a book? I barely have time to blog. So, here it is. The secret. For all the millions of women out there desperately trying to find the man of their dreams...

Move on.

You heard me. Get packing.

When a man and a woman are both in deep and bells are ringing and everything is so smooth the woman can't wait to make mooney eyes over coffee, that's the time to enjoy. Revel. Don't think about a future. Because the minute a woman starts talking rings and commitment, that's the minute this type of man starts planning his escape. He's not sure, he starts to feel boxed in, he wants more time, and before anyone can say "Gyllenspoon" three times fast, he's out of there. Maybe not literally but figuratively, leaving the woman alone and pruney in a big pool of love without a towel.

The only way to keep the bells ringing in that kind of relationship is to live in the moment. At some point, someone will envision a future together and want to talk about it. If it's the man, great. That's the way it should be. Women shouldn't have to chase after men. It just isn't the natural order of the universe.

A woman who isn't holding the cards in a relationship holds nothing. So, if it's the woman who first starts envisioning the future, starts dreaming about it and throwing out less than subtle hints to no avail, it's time for that woman to move on. Make plans. Get out the Rolodex. Oh, still be nice and occasionally take the man's phone calls, but get out. Date other people. Stop showing up at his concerts, that sort of thing.

If it's meant to be, he'll come running after, ready to talk turkey. That's when the woman should move in for the kill. Get a ring and set a date. If not, just keep moving on. Brush him off. Eventually the love will fade. And it won't be half as painful.

Sorry, but I know what I'm talking about, Sure, some women are with men who don't fall into either of the above two categories. Don't think other categories don't exist. Let's just say if a woman is with such a man, she's already holding all the cards in that relationship.

'Nuff said.

But getting back to Jennifer Aniston. This boring lecture in Relationships 101 was actually meant for her benefit. Not that I ever expect her to read it. Just working through my own relationship issues here.

Like getting someone besides me to say something.

Hello? I know you're out there. I can hear you breathing. Would you care to respond?