Thursday, May 1, 2008

Salacious Celebrity Gossip Cracks Corn and I Don't Care

In like a lion, out like a lamb. Oh wait, that folksy attribute refers to March, not April. Where does the time go? Already it's May and temperatures in the Land of Pleasant Living still fluctuate between 80 and 40. I don't know if it's sweater or T-shirt weather when I tumble out of bed.

So too goes the celebrity gossip mill. This one's now an item with this one, and this one had too much to drink with that one, and, oh look over there, isn't that one's dress positively hideous?

For crying out loud, I know this stuff brings traffic to rumor peddlers and sells newsprint to the masses, but just once I'd like to search the blogosphere and read something other than fluffer-nutter, apparently, the nuttier the better.

I must not be searching hard enough. Get a load of the blather bouncing my way this morning.

InTouch Magazine cover proclaiming Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's hot steamy new love
JenJohn is hot and we've got the exclusive. "John Mayer is crazy about Jennifer Aniston."

Okay, so they're banging each other. Big deal. Ugh. Are those real tattoos down his left arm? Jen's toned and tanned body is too good for this boy toy Lothario. But, hey, if she's having a good time, more power to her. I just love the way the tabloids are so quick to brand their romp in the hay as a coupling. JenJohn? Why not AniMayer? You know, "animator," as in making up this whole "they're in love" garbage. New lust is more like it. I give Jen and John's "new love" three months top, if that.

The top cover teaser, "Star's divorce shocker"? Probably something about Al liking threesomes.

Mariah Carey flashing a big pink rock from admirer Nick Cannon can only mean they're engaged. They are engaged, aren't they? Neither one of them will say.

Despite reports of nuptials?, I say the big coy signifies something entirely different than the games celebs play. Already, these rumors are being shot down. Mariah and Nick are not Jay-Z and B, nor J.Lo and Mr. J.Lo, they're not even Brangelina (I hear she's nesting in France, preparing for the big birth). Just last week, I read a piece about Carey's desire to remain solo, now suddenly everyone is whispering about an "engagement/marriage?" to Nick Cannon.

To hot meat 12 years her junior? Get real. Nick's looking like a sick puppy dog. Trying to "buy" affection with bling is as old as Helen of Troy. Besides, it's second hand bling. Carey standing around flashing her pink hunka ice all giddy and coy, lapping up the attention for all it's worth is making everyone nuts.

Restoring sanity: Mimi is just banking the publicity for a rainy day, like a scrapbook to cherish if she ever lands back on the skids.

Photos courtesy of and Flynet Online showing Eva Mendes not pregnant but out training to stay fit
Rotund looking ill-dressed Eva Mendes may be with child. Just look at that bulge. Maybe she'll read this and do a cartwheel to confirm.

I adore this blog, but their intern's blind item is so sightless, it begs to be flamed. Geez, just look at your own side by side comparison pix showing Eva on an exercise jog with her trainer (cropped to ensure focus). In one photo, yeah, there's some puff, while in the other, nary a bump to be had. So, maybe Mendes had a little too much to drink the night before, or she's dealing with some bad PMS. Juicy dirt this is not.

Obviously, the intern has no first-hand knowledge of pregnancy, otherwise she'd realize the dead giveaway isn't the middle part of the torso. It's the top. As in "perky swell like crazy."

Might I recommend a crash course in baby bump spotting with the jokers over at FlyNet? Nice scoop catching Jessica Simpson BFF, Cacee Cobb, while out and about in el Lay. No doubt to prevent a lawsuit, these two wild and crazy guys wonder aloud whether she might actually be with child. Someone must have tipped them off. So much better than a blind item.

Indeed, gentlemen, this one looks so preggers it hurts to blog. Odds are 2 to 1 and I'm not even a gambler..

So, for what it's worth, there you have my pitiful assessment of the celebrity gossipsphere. Give me Mary Hart officiating at a wedding staged with the Made of Honor premiere any day. Is this even legal? Oh, the joys of trend spotting. The next big thing in people who want to marry but can't afford to hire their own band. Just remember. You heard it here first.

Update: Apparently, in the span of about two hours, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon went from flirting, to dating, to being engaged, to reportedly getting hitched, supposedly without a prenup. At least not the last time I checked. This story changes facts faster than SJP changes wardrobe in SATC: The Movie. Congratulations to the happy (giving this one year, tops) couple.

And just for the record, why no pc fire storm when Mrs. Cannon describes her new hubby as "articulate and literate?"