Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Poorly Written Blog Like a Popular Dumb Blond Chick

Is this your blog? Because it sucks big time and doesn't deserve a first page ranking on GoogleMad? You bet I'm mad. I'm so freak'n angry my eyeballs are starting to bug.

Technology, politics, and celebrities. Everybody's got something to say. Everybody wants to be the next high-ranking blog. Everybody wants their share of the pie. And yet, only a handful of really good, authoritative, consistently entertaining reads actually make it to the top.

Lord knows The Spewker is pock-marked with its share of warts and wrinkles. Ragging other people's work is not my typical style. But today I found something so blatantly awful, I could not look away. In my frozen horror, I vowed to skewer this pathetic excuse for a blog, its obvious desire to cash-in on the celebrity blogging phenomenon so appalling and simultaneously disheartening, someone had to take a stand.

I can't bring myself to publish the name or URL, but I will publicize the page I landed upon after searching Google for "Mariah Carey prenup." I am irked to no end seeing something so incredibly useless grab a front page result. Yes, the design is elegant and simple, a nice tidy package for roaming bots, but where's the justice in that?

It's like the nice but nerdy, brilliant Plain Jane sitting alone at the lunch table fixated on a gaggle of hot boys buzzing around bubble-headed shallow cheerleaders as she chokes down a sandwich and silently prays for the bell. Plain Jane tells herself she'll get the last laugh because she'll end up far more successful than those clods, but who really knows what will come to pass in the future, and besides, no one has asked her to the prom.

It's time someone dumped a tray on this monstrosity.

For anyone who can't read the actual excerpt of "Mariah Carey Gets Married...Without A Prenup," here's the verbatim article,

Nick Cannon’s kinsfolk has addicted he has mated Mariah Carey.

'Yes, we know. He titled us and told us every most it.'

'We are bright for him. If that is what he wants, then we are bright for him. I’m not feat to provide you some details, but we are bright for him.'

A maker near to Mariah said she mated without a pre-nup, because 'there wasn’t time.'
'They hit been affected with apiece another for days, weeks. And she’s ever had a modify on him.'
Now, maybe this translation software or whatever they have going on here works fine when the story is, oh say, two sentences long. But when quotes from real life people come into play, or the story runs for an entire paragraph...this kind of blogging blows.

Not just for people like me searching for well-placed links to beef up their own articles, but for people who, in fact, search to read about this stuff! Why Google -- behemoth that it is -- can't invent some kind of algorithm to combat blatant blogging fraud like this and beat it down with a stick, I'll never know.

Makes me liken the Google bot to a dumb jock on steroids artificially inflating the popularity of an even dumber hot blond chick just because she smells good and hooks up. It's tawdry, cheap, and even makes a Plain Jane want to act like a tart.

Et tu, Google?