Thursday, March 27, 2008

Live Blogging Live Two Hour Finale of The Celebrity Apprentice

Come one. Come all. For the conclusion of tonight's live Celebrity Apprentice two-hour episode, our virtual Hollywood correspondent, Moan Quivers, will be live blogging the show right here on this site. No tweets.

Join us at 8:55 p.m. EST this evening (approximately five and a half hours from now) as Moan gives a blow-by-blow report with commentary of the riveting face-off between bloated Brit Piers Morgan, and Marlboro Man crooner Trace Adkins. Promos have also promised a cameo appearance of Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth (a/k/a Stinkaroma) in the final boardroom.

It's U.S. v. U.K. Refresh this article as Moan provides the inside scoop.

8:56 p.m. Settling in with the big screen TV, a glass of diet root beer with ice, and the laptop. Moan Quivers here. Snarky commentary with a smidgen of reporting thrown in for good measure. It's the live two-hour season finale of The Celebrity Apprentice. Everyone here predicts Piers Morgan, the pompous British patootey, will emerge victorious.

The only thing is, we can't quite figure out what that means. Prestige? Money for charity? A trophy from The Donald? We're all about to find out.

9:05 p.m. - "We started with 14 celebrities and we're down to 2," says The Donald. Children, Donald, Jr. and Ivanka, weigh in with their two cents about who might win. Over a million dollars has been raised for the charities. The Donald says he is looking forward to the big fight. Pre-recorded portions of their battle now play. The live audience cheers as the walls of the board room are raised to reveal their presence.

9:08 p.m. - Trace Adkins is here to raise money for severe food allergies. Piers is raising money for "Intrepid Fallen Heroes." The Donald characterizes the fight as "Good v. evil, U.K. v. U.S."

On Trace's team is Lennox Lewis and Marilu Henner. Piers Morgan's team consists of Stephen Baldwin and Carol Alt. The Backstreet Boys will perform. But one of them wants wheat grass before the show. Trace acts like this is some kind of drug. He sniffs his nose at him and rolls his eyeballs.

Oh come on, Marlboro Man, wheat grass. It's good for you. Ever been to the health food store?

9:11 p.m. Off to commercial. Self-help yourself with Larry. An advertisement to quit your job and do what you like. Kind of like what I did when I took this virtual Hollywood correspondent's job. Having a blast but working for peanuts. What could be better?

9:12 p.m. And we're back. Text "Trump" to 30101 and help the charities for Trace and Piers. You'll donate a dollar to text and help raise money. Nice touch.

9:16 p.m. Piers is calling on favors. He contacts Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Fergie, Duchess of York for a prize or to bid for a prize. He's calling people he knows and people he doesn't really know at all. If I got a call for him, I'd probably laugh and hang up.

Aw, in the luxury van, Stephen compliments Piers for his fund raising skills. And Piers apologizes to Stevie B. if he has offended him. Yuk. It's bad enough these two lingered in a long handshake. It looked like, for a minute, Piers might lean over and kiss Baldwin like he did with Trace in the boardroom the episode Stinkaroma was fired. Thank goodness it didn't happen.

But now Trace is griping about the black fingernail polish he has to buy for one of the Backstreet boys. I never realized Trace was so out of it. I happen to love black fingernails, on men or women. Grow up!

9:20 p.m. Stevie B. has no friends. Of the 50 tickets Piers has to sell or give away, Baldwin is only able to bring in 5 people. Somehow, I can see why people stay away. Stevie B. may have an engaging smile, but that big gold cross on his chest, I know he's a minister and everything, but very ostentatious. Still, what about Piers's friends? Did they all drop off the face of the earth? And Carol? What? Not one of them knows anybody who can buy a ticket? Oy. This must be staged.

On to commercial.

9:23 p.m. And they're back. Before the last cut to commercial, they showed the boardroom. There was Stinky. All done up in a flashing pink suit. This time, she actually looked tasteful. Surprising. In all the other episodes, she looked like a common slut.

Remaining cool under pressure is crucial in business and in life, says the Donald. Roll the tape of past episodes.

9:27 p.m. Well, I called that one wrong. They're rolling tape of Trace under pressure for this final event. Trace says the pressure was due to the lack of time and need for more of it.

Aw, here's Trace's two little girls and his wife. Came out of nowhere. Wow! They are really pretty. Especially the 6-year old with the food allergy. The one he's trying to win money for. Just love their little fake chinchilla jackets. Do they have another one in size 12?

9:32 p.m. "Loaded celebrities means lots of money." This is Piers's mantra and the one he's teaching to the wait staff. Get everyone drunk. It's crucial.

The red carpet is out and people are starting to arrive. One of the "BSB" has "twisted his little knee," says Trace. He's still trying to find wheat grass juice and he needs to get something for the little BSB's knee. Trace says working with them has given himself more appreciation for himself. "Don't get me started on the BSB," Trace admonishes as the audience breaks out in loud applause.

"I've performed when my stomach was doubled over, had to go to the hospital, and they cut out 18 inches of my colon. But the BSB (Back Street Boys) won't perform because one of them doesn't have their wheat grass juice! Give me a break." Okay. Okay, Marlboro Man, we get it. You're a trooper. The BSB are not. Or maybe they're staging all of this for the show to get your gander up. Just stay cool. It will all be okay.

On to commercial.

9:36 p.m. And they're back.

Ticket sales. Auction sales. And overall, let's just see how they do. These are the criteria on which Piers and Trace will be judged. Trace is responsible for the band, the decorations, and party atmosphere. Piers is responsible for the auction.

Dean Samms, Eddie Montgomery, Ronnie Milsap, Trace's hommies are here. Nice. The Grand 'Ol Oprey and private people came from all over to show support and give Trace money. $5,000.00. $10,000.00. Trace may pull this off afterall.

9:42 p.m. Trace's item for the Super Bowl item sells for $18K. Once in a lifetime chance to enjoy royal tea with Fergie, Piers's item, sells for $100K - to the boss of Cantor Fitzgerald, who is standing there with members of the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund. A dinner with Trace Adkins sells for $6K to Ivanka, who loves Trace. A night with the Osbourne's and if over $50K, Ozzy will fly his band anywhere in the country to play - Piers's item - sells to the same Cantor Fitzgerald guy for $100K.

Now how do the pompous Brit and this nice Jewish boy go together? Personally, even though I usually love the British accent, every time Piers opens his mouth, I want to stuff a rag in it.

9:45 p.m. Somehow, some way, Simon Cowell is involved in the series finale event. They say he's going to bid big for the auction. And he's in the back pocket of Piers. Oh, the British. They'll do anything to make the cowboy look bad. But don't discount the money they stuck in the cowboy's pocket.

Ha! They just cut to the green room with all the fired contestants and Stinkaroma was the only one sitting there stuffing her face with food. That's right Omarosa, stuff yourself now. It's the last expensive food you're going to see for a while.

9:49 p.m. Lunch with Ivanka bid for $20K. Ooo - item for Piers - but....

Here's Simon. Appearing by phone from London - bidding $100K - he takes it away. Trace finds the whole thing distasteful. Can't blame him. That bloated pompous Brit, he's so full of himself. He's tooting his own horn about how good he is at fund raising. Can I kick him? I'd like to kick him in the pants.

The Backstreet Boys performance turns out to be pretty good. Even without the wheat grass juice. I still say the whole thing was a ruse. Dig the black fingernails.

9:53 p.m. Mmmmmm, as I sit here through the many commercials, I'm thinking that the decorations looked a little sparse. Who was in charge of that? Marilu? If I remember correctly, Lennox raced her through that. So, Trace's team may get graded down on the look of the party.

It wasn't that packed either. Plenty of room for people to mill about. Why didn't the celebs try selling tickets to normal people? They could have packed that place! What? The little people couldn't mingle with the "beautiful" people. Does anyone else find that offensive?

9:55 p.m. Howard Lutnick and other partners of Cantor Fitzgerald will be matching all text donations tonight in an amount up to $250K - split between both charities. Call people! Call! This is a good way to give money and be part of the show.

Erin Burnett and Jim Kramer were just introduced. I have no idea who they are. Not. Isn't one of them with that Mad Money show?

10:04 p.m. And they're back. In the boardroom. Ivanka mentions how Piers choosing Stevie B. for his team was risky since they didn't work so well together and Baldwin specifically asked not to work with him any more. The Donald mentions how Lennox jumped ship to go work with Trace. Piers mentions that makes total sense since Lennox is a laid back sort.

Oh - I'm not so sure about that. They should probably stick Piers in the ring with Lennox. He acts so tuff. I give him about 30 seconds with Lennox.

$64K v. $364K - for the auction items, Piers wins.

$38K v. $12K - for the ticket sales, Trace wins.

Simon and The Donald are friends. I think so much money came in from Simon, not because of Piers, but because Simon likes The Donald, and that Simon wanted to donate the money to charity. Piers always wants to make it all about him. This guy is the guru of self-promotion.

Okay. Okay. And now Piers and Trace are resenting one another. Gag. Piers wants Trace to take it back that he was somehow belittling Trace's donors. OMG! If looks could kill, I think Trace just gave Piers the death blow. Is it over now? Can we all go home?

10:07 p.m. Welcome back. Live. To the season finale of The Celebrity Apprentice.

10:10 p.m. Who was responsible for the food?" queries the Donald, "because I didn't see any."

"That was deliberate," said Piers. "To get everyone tipsy so that they would bid more at the auction."

Baldwin denigrates Piers for shaking money out of people by getting them drunk. Piers fires back.

"He's not the only Christian in the room. He doesn't have a monopoly on Christianity," laments Piers. The Donald makes fun of Piers for sweating and sweating a lot. The audience laps it up.

10:15 p.m. The Donald calls on Trace for his take on the "good v. evil" and the "good, the bad, and the ugly" theme of the show. "Who's the ugly?" baits The Donald. Luckily, no one points to any of the women. Lennox volunteers as the ugly, but he's soooooo wrong. Lennox is actually very hot. And a good dresser.

Trace says that there have been times when Piers treated people in a questionable manner. For that reason, he's the better person to be the Celebrity Apprentice.

Piers defends himself by saying that he's playing a business game, not a popularity game. Piers says he's done the best by raising more money. He's in it for the money. He's in it for making the event the best. I suppose Piers is not so bad after all. He is, after all, doing this for charity. How can you not like someone who goes to all these lengths for charity?

"This is tough," says The Donald. "This is the toughest thing I've had to do in a long time. Get Piers and Trace ready! I'm ready to choose."

Eh....the whole thing is a crock. Celebrity apprentice? What's the apprentice part? I'm all for raising money for charity, but call the show for what it is. A way to strut lesser known and non-celebrities (Stinkaroma), and raise a lot of money for charity. Also to keep The Donald in the public eye. That's all. Nothing more.

10:17 p.m. Nice guy, Trace Adkins, enters the room. The audience goes wild.

Ruthless intelligence, and vicious guy, Piers Morgan, come on down! The audience boos.

10:20 p.m. The Donald starts off by asking Trace what he thinks about Piers. Trace doesn't like him or think very much of him. Piers compliments Trace and says he thinks he's a great guy.

"I'm an evil and obnoxious disgusting Brit," says Piers. "I don't mind."

Now The Donald brings out the fired celebrities. When Baldwin walks out the audience boos. Ha!

10:27 p.m. Everyone is there in the live boardroom except Gene Simmons who is shooting a movie. Then The Donald calls out Stinkaroma. OMG. She stands there like she's a super hero. She has this sparkling pink lipstick to match her outfit. I think she looks like a candy cane with mold.

Now The Donald asks Lennox what he thinks about Piers and Trace. Lennox equivocates. He thinks they're both good. But in the end, he gives kudos to Piers. Maybe it's true. Nice guys finish last.

Carol Alt is going head to head with The Donald. I agree with her. She should have been one of the final celebrities. Clearly, she has more respect for Piers.

"Stevie B. wasn't doing so well, and now he's a big star when he walks down the street," says The Donald. I was wrong. The Donald is and remains the guru of self-promotion.

Everyone is asked to raise their hand. Who do they like better? The votes go majority for Trace. So Trace is Mr. Popularity. But, let's face it. This wasn't a popularity contest. It was a contest to do the best in raising money. And as much as people dislike him, I think they have to admit that Piers did the best job.

Piers should win. But they still have to hear from Gene who is filming a movie in Japan. Stay tuned.

10:36 p.m. Wow. They are still skating outside in New York. Cut back to the live boardroom.

What is Gene Simmons's sign? "Dollar sign, baby," he replies. They are going through Gene's outtakes. Love that snake tongue.

And now here is Gene from Tokyo, Japan. Gene speaks Japanese, but it sounds like he just said some praise for't be. Jeff Hazlett, an executive from Kodak is here too. Jeff says Gene was wrong about the task he lost, the one for Kodak. Kodak doubled its sales with the promotion from the winning team, Hydra. Gene is a shrewd businessman, but not shrewd enough. He lost early in the game. Why does his opinion matter?

"A tug of the heart, that's what Trace Adkins embodies, that 'aw shucks' source of demeanor," says Gene. Who does Gene pick? Trace, of course. Is this really about Mom, apple pie, and the American flag? Or are we talking about the person who was better raising money for charity? Clearly, it was not Trace. Sorry, Mom.

10:42 p.m. Nice touch. They did a piece on Trace's charity. Food allergies. Seeing his little girl in an oxygen mask, aw, I wanna cry. Give him the money already! Stop pulling on everyone's heart strings!

And now Trace is performing a country song. Wow! Nice thick baritone. Beautiful sound. I had never heard him sing before. He's really amazing!

Oh for goodness sakes, we all know the show wants to give the money to Trace, so just do it! Besides, Piers's charity already got some money - mostly because Piers is such an amazing fund raiser. Trace's charity has gotten nothing up until now. Really, the nice guy has not been able to pull off a win.

So, just give the money to the little girl in the fake chinchilla coat and let's all call it a day, shall we?

Oh. Wait. Go to iTunes now to download "You're Gonna Miss This" and all the money raised will go to Trace's charity. The offer is good for two weeks. I guess if The Donald ends up picking the bloated disgusting Brit, this will be Trace's booby prize.

10:50 p.m. And now they are giving equal time to Piers's charity. The Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund. Shane and Matthew have no legs and Matthew is blind. They're fallen heroes. I agree. Never thought I would see a bloated Brit advocating for American soldiers. Maybe I shouldn't apologize to Mom after all. If Piers wins, the American flag wins too. Fallen heroes from America. The flag flies in the background. And now some of the fallen soldiers are here on the live show. How can you not feel sorry for people who give limbs and lives to protect our freedoms?

The audience gives them a standing ovation. Rightfully so.

Okay, Piers should get the money. But right now, he's going home with a special coin from the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Center. Looked like a poker marker. I Wonder if he can gamble it at the craps table in Trump's Atlantic City casino.

An auction on slash something having to do with the Celebrity Apprentice will go to The Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund. So, even if Trace wins, you can help raise money for the charity by spending your little heart out. Go consume, all you consumers. Consume for charity!

10:52 p.m. Oy vey! I am so torn. Chichilla coat little girl whose Daddy hasn't raised any money at all for her charity or soldiers who are blind with no legs who have already gotten money from a successful fund raiser. Who should win? Who?

Split it! Go ahead, The Donald, do a split. It's only fair!

10:58 p.m. The Donald is throwing in $250K of his own money for the winner's charity. So cool.

Trace says he is all for Piers's charity. But contrast that for the food allergy network. He represents 3 million fathers. They want that money. The fund will help save their children's lives. That's why they should win. Cry me a river. If it was solely up to me, they'd have the money already. Poor swollen throated little angels. Give those people the money!

Piers says this was not a good guy competition, it was a business competition with a premium for raising money for charity. He won 9 out of the 11 challenges given to him. He raised over $500M and had one of the biggest slaughters in the history of show. Killed everyone on all the business challenges. He believes he has integrity and doesn't think it should be called into question.

"But you were not loved, "says The Donald. "Does that mean anything to you?"

"No," said Piers. "You're not loved either." Touche.

Ivanka says that Piers lacks tact and that he's distracted. So, that's why she supports Trace.

Donald, Jr. says the use of the roladex is what allowed Piers to win. Down to the wire. Last minute here. The Donald rushes everyone along.

11:00 p.m. As predicted. Piers is The Celebrity Apprentice. Whoops erupt in the audience. Confetti falls. In the end, The Donald could not ignore his fund raising prowess. Not much time left for the wrap party. Wondering how The Donald managed to squander so much time in a live two-hour show. He should have reserved more time for the end. Not all of the fired celebrities had a chance to voice their choice for the winner. I'm feeling a little gyped here.

The Donald bids everyone a fond farewell and says they will be back next season. "We're going to be here for a long time," says The Donald. Yeah. Right. He hopes. Before they came up with this concept for a celebrity show, The Apprentice was done. Dead in the water. Was that crane accident in any way related to a project that was run by one of the other apprentices chosen on the show?

Keep bringing in the hot celebrities and I would say The Donald is right, actually, about future shows. This could be like Dancing With the Stars and continue into perpetuity.

It's been a blast live blogging this, everyone. Thanks for tuning in. And I'll be back for next season as well. Stay tuned.